CoachEideCommunicating your demands
It is a week or so since my last post. It has been a hard time for me, I am really confused about what happens in my world. I need some coaching from someone that know what they are doing, really well. It is hard to find out where one go when all your dreams are disappearing from your life. And you have to build new ones, by yourself.
This blog, all the past posts and this post and all future posts, shall not touch on my current situation. I will write about what I want to happen now, but it is not about me, my ex-fiance or anyone involved in that event. I have to make this utterly clear, as I was accused of that for the previous post. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND MY RECENT RELATIONSHIP. I have many earlier experiences I can write about, as they are not so touchy right now.
To protect yourself gracefully you need to communicate when people do break your rules, your borders, your boundaries or do things you do not like. It is not proper to allow people to do what you do not find proper to do. I will not do it, and nobody should accept people to do what they do not feel acceptable.
In a communication model, it is very important which way this is being communicated, and the way that makes the best impact is a totally natural, neutral tone. In the book that I learning about these steps I am told that one should use the same tone as one is saying: ¨the sky is blue¨. Remember that when you read the rest of this post. You must keep an neutral tone, and no sharp or smart remarks while you do it either.
So we are here at the beginning of this model, in the first step, when someone first break what you find improper behavior or something you will not want to accept. In step one, you will first just say that the person is doing something unwanted or something you do not agree with them, or something that bothers you.
Step two, if the action or way of behavior does continue after step one has been given, you will in step two request that it stop. You will not accept that this continue. We all have things that we will will not accept, and if it is not stopping, you will move to step three.
Step three, if you have needed to come to this step you will have asked them to stop the behavior or action that is happening. So, now after telling someone twice already, the situation or action is still continuing. You must, now in step three, insist that the action or behavior stop. It is not something you can live with, so you must insist that it stops now, and if it does not, you need to go to step four.
Step four, the last step, if it gets to this stage, all you can do is to remove yourself from the situation. You must leave. However, you must leave without smart remarks or snappy comebacks. This is important, because it means that you can return, if the person will think things over and return to behave within your accepted behaviors.
That is the complete model, that simple. Four simple steps. Ask, request, insist, leave. That is it. We shall now look at an example from the book. The situation is that one person is screaming at you. This is something nobody should accept. Listen up, nobody has the right to scream at another person. If a person is screaming at you, ask them to stop screaming. If that does not stop the screaming, request that they do so. If that neither stops the screaming, insist that the screaming stop, and if this do not help. Leave the situation. Tell the person to come back when they can talk to you in an acceptable way. There is no way that it is acceptable to accept that another person screams at you, whatever is done.
In my history, the person that screamed at me, is my dad. He screamed often, and he screamed loudly. In fact, today, I am not able to hear screaming without being totally set out, normally I cannot communicate in a situation where someone screams. It does not matter whether I am the one being screamed at, or not. I freeze, I get totally uncomfortable, and not for just the moment that the screaming happens, but for a very long time. Last time it happen, it was a friend of mine screaming at the staff at a house I attend for social gatherings. It has taken me nearly a week to recover. Finally, I am feeling like things are getting better. Therefore, remember, do not scream at people, IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. However, the point was that the people that made him yell, in fact handled the situation very badly. First they should have told the reasons that he could not be there, in a private place, not in front of all the others. It is strange that people that are educated to be in such places has not learned to get people ready to communicate things that could be making someone angry, into a place where one could talk in private. There, if the person would be angry, it would happen in a place where not everyone would hear it.
This example did not explain the model, so instead, we shall change the event a bit. If my friend started screaming at me, I would simple tell him to please stop screaming at me, then ask him to stop screaming, then demand that he stops, and then I would leave if necessary. This is what the model says, and this is how it should happen. Do not worry, if you have to leave the situation. The person will need to contact you to be apologizing for their behavior before you return. In addition, do not let the screaming continue in the contacting or in the future when you return. There is no need to scream at another person.
I have screamed at a few people in my life, and I am sorry for that. I was angry, but now, I am learning not to speak while still angry. It is important to thing. If you are angry, you will not be thinking clearly, and you can therefore not be speaking properly either. Remember that. Never speak while angry. When you speak, you must have come down and thought things thru.
Remember communication is all about clear mind and clear thinking, before talking clearly and understandably.
Have a great day,
John Eide
