This week the blog is about how to help yourself as always. It will be about setting boundaries, and living by them. I have just done that in my life so I have a real example of how you do this. However, due to the people involved it can be a bit touchy to rip up in such a new event, so I will try to avoid the current event that I am living result of right now.
Setting boundaries, what does that mean? You can have things that you do not want to accept. I would never accept people around me drinking alcohol or using drugs. I would not accept people borrowing money. I would never live with a person that borrow money. If we should borrow money it would have to be for buying a house or apartment, and it had to be properly set up, through a bank.
These are some of my rules, you can have other rules. They will be based on your beliefs and your values. It is difficult to state all your rules, but you would find some rules pretty quickly if you think about them. Some people do not think of setting any rules, and they walk through life without rules, and that is a shame.
What happens if you have no rules for what you will do? You will accept all kinds of friends around you. Knowing that we all are influenced by the people we are around, it is difficult to see how you would not be drawn into all kinds of problems. Your mind would think it is ok, whatever your friends do. It is not. Your brain has learned what not to do, when you grew up. Your parents would have told you that some things are not ok, and other things are ok.
Do you not have it that way? Did you like the rules your parents set for you? Or did you oppose them? I opposed many of the rules that my parents told me, and I hated to have to do things to get pocket money, but it was the only way, so I did the things they told me to do. I accepted the rules in the end, because it only hurt me to not accept them. Now that I am an adult, I know that I only earn money by doing things, and so I am glad that I learned from my parents that you have to work to earn money. That also thought me that I had to work for the money I should use.
Why is it important to set the boundaries? This is your life. You should live it like you want to live it. To do that, you must live by the boundaries you have set. Whether they are set by your parents or by you. The rules can not be broken, if you do that, you become less you. You let yourself be run over.
Many people let themselves be run over by others, and they do not have the courage to stand up for themselves. This means that they are really not adults. The rules the rules another person have, can be totally different than what I have, and that would mean that we do not fit together. This is things we would need to find out about for example in the beginning of a relationship. If we find that the other person do not, or will not, live by the rules you live by, I advise that you do not live together. Because this will mean that you cannot live by your rules, and the rules you have as boundaries are you.
I do not mean that you cannot compromise a little, but this should not be on your boundaries that you have set for your life. In the book I read in to learn how do help myself, she talks about people shouting at you. This is a boundary that you should have, and should not compromise on for anyone, not your boss, not your friends, and not for your partner either. It is not nice for the person that get shouted at, to live like that. You should follow a communication model that I will write about next week. So follow on next week to learn how you should give the message that someone is breaking your boundaries, because it is important that you tell the other person that they are breaking your rules and boundaries. They need to get a chance to alter their behaviour that breaks your rule.
So, here in step 5 of help yourself, we have been looking at how you set rules, they come to you through your beliefs and values, and some from your environment, we have seen that you can not live with your boundaries being broken time and again, this is important for you as a person, and that boundaries that you set, are communicated to the person that breaks them, this is a point we will come back to next week.
Remember, when you get to know a person, it is important that you learn their boundaries, that what I have just learned heavily in my life, and I will be more aware of next time I move into a relationship. For this time I will just state that it is so important to state your boundaries and tell the other person, then if they do not want to live by those rules and boundaries, they should let you know, and tell you to get out of your life. That is the best thing to do.
Have a great day, live by these 5 rules that we have stated so far, and you will be on your way to get a much better life.
Have a nice day, and life by force. Take responsibility and take some time and figure out what your boundaries are, and what things you will not live by, so you know, not just live life without specifying these things. Life becomes so much more enjoyable once you are able to set your limits and get out of the situations you do not want to be in.
All the best,
Coach John Eide