Help yourself, week 6

Communicating your demands

It is a week or so since my last post. It has been a hard time for me, I am really confused about what happens in my world. I need some coaching from someone that know what they are doing, really well. It is hard to find out where one go when all your dreams are disappearing from your life. And you have to build new ones, by yourself.

This blog, all the past posts and this post and all future posts, shall not touch on my current situation. I will write about what I want to happen now, but it is not about me, my ex-fiance or anyone involved in that event. I have to make this utterly clear, as I was accused of that for the previous post. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND MY RECENT RELATIONSHIP. I have many earlier experiences I can write about, as they are not so touchy right now.

To protect yourself gracefully you need to communicate when people do break your rules, your borders, your boundaries or do things you do not like. It is not proper to allow people to do what you do not find proper to do. I will not do it, and nobody should accept people to do what they do not feel acceptable.

In a communication model, it is very important which way this is being communicated, and the way that makes the best impact is a totally natural, neutral tone. In the book that I learning about these steps I am told that one should use the same tone as one is saying: ¨the sky is blue¨. Remember that when you read the rest of this post. You must keep an neutral tone, and no sharp or smart remarks while you do it either.

So we are here at the beginning of this model, in the first step, when someone first break what you find improper behavior or something you will not want to accept. In step one, you will first just say that the person is doing something unwanted or something you do not agree with them, or something that bothers you.

Step two, if the action or way of behavior does continue after step one has been given, you will in step two request that it stop. You will not accept that this continue. We all have things that we will will not accept, and if it is not stopping, you will move to step three.

Step three, if you have needed to come to this step you will have asked them to stop the behavior or action that is happening. So, now after telling someone twice already, the situation or action is still continuing. You must, now in step three, insist that the action or behavior stop. It is not something you can live with, so you must insist that it stops now, and if it does not, you need to go to step four.

Step four, the last step, if it gets to this stage, all you can do is to remove yourself from the situation. You must leave. However, you must leave without smart remarks or snappy comebacks. This is important, because it means that you can return, if the person will think things over and return to behave within your accepted behaviors.

That is the complete model, that simple. Four simple steps. Ask, request, insist, leave. That is it. We shall now look at an example from the book. The situation is that one person is screaming at you. This is something nobody should accept. Listen up, nobody has the right to scream at another person. If a person is screaming at you, ask them to stop screaming. If that does not stop the screaming, request that they do so. If that neither stops the screaming, insist that the screaming stop, and if this do not help. Leave the situation. Tell the person to come back when they can talk to you in an acceptable way. There is no way that it is acceptable to accept that another person screams at you, whatever is done.

In my history, the person that screamed at me, is my dad. He screamed often, and he screamed loudly. In fact, today, I am not able to hear screaming without being totally set out, normally I cannot communicate in a situation where someone screams. It does not matter whether I am the one being screamed at, or not. I freeze, I get totally uncomfortable, and not for just the moment that the screaming happens, but for a very long time. Last time it happen, it was a friend of mine screaming at the staff at a house I attend for social gatherings. It has taken me nearly a week to recover. Finally, I am feeling like things are getting better. Therefore, remember, do not scream at people, IT IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE. However, the point was that the people that made him yell, in fact handled the situation very badly. First they should have told the reasons that he could not be there, in a private place, not in front of all the others. It is strange that people that are educated to be in such places has not learned to get people ready to communicate things that could be making someone angry, into a place where one could talk in private. There, if the person would be angry, it would happen in a place where not everyone would hear it.

This example did not explain the model, so instead, we shall change the event a bit. If my friend started screaming at me, I would simple tell him to please stop screaming at me, then ask him to stop screaming, then demand that he stops, and then I would leave if necessary. This is what the model says, and this is how it should happen. Do not worry, if you have to leave the situation. The person will need to contact you to be apologizing for their behavior before you return. In addition, do not let the screaming continue in the contacting or in the future when you return. There is no need to scream at another person.

I have screamed at a few people in my life, and I am sorry for that. I was angry, but now, I am learning not to speak while still angry. It is important to thing. If you are angry, you will not be thinking clearly, and you can therefore not be speaking properly either. Remember that. Never speak while angry. When you speak, you must have come down and thought things thru.

Remember communication is all about clear mind and clear thinking, before talking clearly and understandably.

Have a great day,
John Eide

Help yourself, step 5

This week the blog is about how to help yourself as always. It will be about setting boundaries, and living by them. I have just done that in my life so I have a real example of how you do this. However, due to the people involved it can be a bit touchy to rip up in such a new event, so I will try to avoid the current event that I am living result of right now.

Setting boundaries, what does that mean? You can have things that you do not want to accept. I would never accept people around me drinking alcohol or using drugs. I would not accept people borrowing money. I would never live with a person that borrow money. If we should borrow money it would have to be for buying a house or apartment, and it had to be properly set up, through a bank.

These are some of my rules, you can have other rules. They will be based on your beliefs and your values. It is difficult to state all your rules, but you would find some rules pretty quickly if you think about them. Some people do not think of setting any rules, and they walk through life without rules, and that is a shame.

What happens if you have no rules for what you will do? You will accept all kinds of friends around you. Knowing that we all are influenced by the people we are around, it is difficult to see how you would not be drawn into all kinds of problems. Your mind would think it is ok, whatever your friends do. It is not. Your brain has learned what not to do, when you grew up. Your parents would have told you that some things are not ok, and other things are ok.

Do you not have it that way? Did you like the rules your parents set for you? Or did you oppose them? I opposed many of the rules that my parents told me, and I hated to have to do things to get pocket money, but it was the only way, so I did the things they told me to do. I accepted the rules in the end, because it only hurt me to not accept them. Now that I am an adult, I know that I only earn money by doing things, and so I am glad that I learned from my parents that you have to work to earn money. That also thought me that I had to work for the money I should use.

Why is it important to set the boundaries? This is your life. You should live it like you want to live it. To do that, you must live by the boundaries you have set. Whether they are set by your parents or by you. The rules can not be broken, if you do that, you become less you. You let yourself be run over.

Many people let themselves be run over by others, and they do not have the courage to stand up for themselves. This means that they are really not adults. The rules the rules another person have, can be totally different than what I have, and that would mean that we do not fit together. This is things we would need to find out about for example in the beginning of a relationship. If we find that the other person do not, or will not, live by the rules you live by, I advise that you do not live together. Because this will mean that you cannot live by your rules, and the rules you have as boundaries are you.

I do not mean that you cannot compromise a little, but this should not be on your boundaries that you have set for your life. In the book I read in to learn how do help myself, she talks about people shouting at you. This is a boundary that you should have, and should not compromise on for anyone, not your boss, not your friends, and not for your partner either. It is not nice for the person that get shouted at, to live like that. You should follow a communication model that I will write about next week. So follow on next week to learn how you should give the message that someone is breaking your boundaries, because it is important that you tell the other person that they are breaking your rules and boundaries. They need to get a chance to alter their behaviour that breaks your rule.

So, here in step 5 of help yourself, we have been looking at how you set rules, they come to you through your beliefs and values, and some from your environment, we have seen that you can not live with your boundaries being broken time and again, this is important for you as a person, and that boundaries that you set, are communicated to the person that breaks them, this is a point we will come back to next week.

Remember, when you get to know a person, it is important that you learn their boundaries, that what I have just learned heavily in my life, and I will be more aware of next time I move into a relationship. For this time I will just state that it is so important to state your boundaries and tell the other person, then if they do not want to live by those rules and boundaries, they should let you know, and tell you to get out of your life. That is the best thing to do.

Have a great day, live by these 5 rules that we have stated so far, and you will be on your way to get a much better life.

Have a nice day, and life by force. Take responsibility and take some time and figure out what your boundaries are, and what things you will not live by, so you know, not just live life without specifying these things. Life becomes so much more enjoyable once you are able to set your limits and get out of the situations you do not want to be in.

All the best,
Coach John Eide